Holding The Sword Of Pride And Intuition.

The rain is clearing, the sun is arising and the clouds seem oblivious, leaving a rich blue sky. That's what my life seem like now. The "my time" of what seemed to consist of minutes seems like lots of hours. The hectic life that i live has calmed, as in the errands have vanished. This week I want to experience the feeling of boredom which has been a rare feeling during the past couple of months. Yep, that's right months not weeks. But it's not the boredom you feel when being an audience in a debate. It's the type of boredom you feel when your in our room on a Sunday with hours of time on your hands not knowing what to do.
Alike my previous entry I mentioned my horoscope and since my future was correctly predicted, I read my horoscope for the week. It stated that my life would take a rather large change on Tuesday and that somewhere i will have to start making decisions through the week which will have a great impact. So far, nothing of the sort has come up but it could be one of those things where you need to deeply look into to understand. But i do have to admit the week has been different, I can't really put my finger on it but all I can point out is to say it's somehow different.
I really have to credit this week for improvement, I'm finding myself, my peace. I'm playing better tennis. My hits are improving and they are more precise and powerful than ever. I observed that about myself in training. Even better I found a training partner this week. I haven't started a training session yet but we've sessioned one which lies ahead in the future.
I wonder what I'm going to do this weekend. Go over to a friends? Shopping? Isn't that the beauty of not knowing what your going to do when the weekend arrives. I love mysteries, riddles and adventures. I have a great curiosity. I'm the type of person who doesn't want the answer when given a riddle, unless I think about it non-stop and it boils my head for two weeks and i still haven't found an answer. I'm that kind of a person.
This week i encounter haters of whom I'd had grudges. Two of them. On the way back from my pleasant walk, I looked forward to the comfort of home where I would be able to relax and have my own personal space and act however the heck i want. Unfortunately i came across the pair of girls who I hated very much the year before. I will not mention any names because if I did it would be my sin. Well anyway, as I walk by, words come out of their filthy mouths. I have to admit though they weren't as harsh as fuck or cunt but you could say it does hurt. Yes, i do use that word among my friends and they use it back but it's very different when you speak words among your friends compared to people whom you scorn. With friends you have that understanding while many barriers have been broken allowing you to act more freely. In this scenario I did not retaliate, why? I did not want to cause drama, I wanted a silent night and i was too tired. In a way that was totally not my personality, if I had seen them at a time where I was more settled I would have loudly argued. If I were with a friend I would have had confidence to give back and scar them in there mind. There's one thing that I will not take and that is bullshit from others. Back to the topic. I walked off, like I had never cared and ignored them completely as if they weren't even there. That's what i usually do to escape situations, I just ignore situations I don't like. I just block people out from my view if I'm uncomfortable with it. Am i scared of what will happen next if i open my big mouth? That's the thing with me, I don't really think twice, I just say things which pop up in an environment where I feel uncaged. I mean realistically, if everyone thought twice every time they said something then the world would be boring and i can tell you that I myself with many other will lose their temper. I keep going off topic. Anyway, after i walked off and arrived home, those words played. I didn't want them to let me down. I then went to my room, looked in the mirror and just stared. In my mind I though to myself. I'm better than them. I'm better in all sports than them and I'm healthy and fit. They can shake there butts all they like and waddle but they'll never possess what I have. I'm much smarter intellectually and I have better ability to reason and to understand. I have many more connections with people who serve the community, I have a heard voice in the community. I have self control and have awareness. Unlike them I do not smoke, I never intend to. I don't hang out with other junkies when night falls and jig school. I intend to have goals in life, experience every bit of life all the way and venture in the depths of the world. I also don't intend to drop out of school and work at any first job I'm offered... I hold dignity. After the moment of rapid, streaming thoughts, I whispered to myself. "I am much more of what they are." That is the truth. I am a stronger person than the two together. There is no battle to be fought, I have already won. Whats the point of stabbing a soldier "on the other side" when they have already deceased? You'll just make a mess and splatter the blood everywhere. I was able to redeem my pride and build on from what seemed like lost for a mere matter of minutes from a disturbed word repeated. I'm not diligent to redeem my intuition and pride back, I still have it with an addition. I am puissant.

Caged In!

Long weekend. I'm truly living it up, literally every minute in front of various books. This long weekend, it's been myself and a variety of books sitting together. I'm caged in this weekend. There was and arrangement of a party which hung in the air for me to attend but unfortunately i had to turn that offer down.

On the other hand i bothered to read my horoscope earlier last week. I wanted to see if they are really true. Usually when i read horoscopes they have this way of telling you passively about your future, like they don't mention it in straightforward english language, horoscope i tend to find hover around the future because they're scared to get it wrong. A bit like my science teacher i must say. You never get a straightforward answer.
"What is a solvent?" i ask.
"A solvent has the ability to dissolve or saturate particles. Solvents are not solid. When particles dissolve into the solvent, the solvent now consumes the particles henceforth change its properties which forms a new mixture," is the reply.
See in this example where the answer only hovers around the topic. If then i had asked my teacher "So what exactly is a solvent?" i get a reply of "Did you listen to me young lady or are you just ignorant?" This is another example, answers given in question form.
I would have preferred an answer of "A solvent is a liquid which dissolves a substance".
Just thinking now, it's quite ironic how the most different of people can relate. I mean, science speaks in evidence and logic where as astrology talks in predictions without having to describe any evidence.
Anyway i said earlier but drifted away i did read my horoscope and for a matter of fact they described a portion of it in "straightforward english language". The weekly scope mentioned that my hectic life would chill for me by Thursday. In fact that was quite right, i did have a lot of worries during the last week and the week before even if they were just small little reminders that i had to attend to, silly mistakes that i had made and words of which people had said good or bad kept ringing in my head. They were all quite small things to deal with but they all built up at once, it was quite hard to concentrate with words running through my head. This made me build more self consciousness, in this case it's quite a bad thing because before doing anything i would just think and think. Generally i am quite a self conscious person but anymore just slows my life having no time for anything. So to fix this problem i had to stop my routine and just sit in my room and relax my mind. So the week before the last (today is Monday) i took a note to have a break from my external activities and just sat in my room. I remember this was on a Saturday, i sat in my room. I just sat on my bed blankly and if thoughts went scurrying through my head i would not neglect or consume every fact but i would just let them pass through trying not to have opinions. It actually worked. I felt better, i didn't keep track of the time because that day was my opportunity to be blank. I then fixed my mind on lateral games from the internet to distract my mind and get my brain working. This week you can say I'm quite refreshed in time for the caged weekend.

This week has been really dull in weather and my hobbies. I found a relation between myself and Rodger Federer. Yep, that right the legendary tennis player! I guess I'm quite a good tennis player(no boasting). But losing a tennis match isn't my thing and it usually happens once in a blue moon. These last three consecutive weeks have been horror and misery in my tennis life. I've lost all three games in a row. Including a person who I've played and one once before and also beat in a finals match. I lost! That's all i can say. But the weird thing is the scenario didn't recount thoroughly in my mind. It's like i barely cared if i was losing or i had lost through the match and after. The only thing i can diagnose is that I'm distracted. Distracted in life. But distracted by what? That is what i can't find. Anyway as i observe the media. Rodger Federer has been losing his matches aswell these days. I mean who has actually seen Federer lose? What a coincidence. I mean you may think that i lose all the time but in 3 continuous tournaments I've kept a perfect score without a loss and now things change. I don't even find tennis training intriguing anymore. Am i bored of tennis? I can't be. Or maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. This week I have not found a patch of time to even step outside. I barely do any physical activity beside training anyway but still. I usually take my dog out for walks which adds to my physical activity table. That's about it. I really feel like a caged budgie these few weeks.

Talking about the American elections about Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Something occured to me out of the blue. Barack Obama if elected as president will become the first "black" president of America. If this is so then how ironic is it that many presidents in movies are usually "black". I mean they even made a documentary of how Barack Obama is "black". It's funny how i actually watched that. What's the big deal he's just another person. But i one thing that i have learnt is that your background will always be thought about be people who approach you. No matter if they don't categorise there will always be that thought if you think deep.